...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
