Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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