I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize