apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
