i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize