im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
