There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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