If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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