just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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