you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
