winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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