Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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