If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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