I can text with my tongue
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize