How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
