Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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