Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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