Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
