Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
