I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
