Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
