My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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