He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
