Did I show you my penis last night?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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