So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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