and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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