News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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