dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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