even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize