Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
