Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
