clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize