i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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