Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
