you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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