dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
