I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
what day is it and did you see me today?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize