WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
