Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
