smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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