I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
