No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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