If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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