God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
