I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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