Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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