I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
