Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
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