Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
