I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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