The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
