you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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