oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
