I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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