I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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