My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
