You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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