Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize