my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize