i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
