Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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