True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she peed on how many people?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
