I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
