Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
