Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
